Fabulous, Extraordinary News!!

My friend just let me know that she will be getting a beautiful, new kidney after all. Apparently, she just found out that she was the last one chosen in a long line of live kidney donations stretching from New York to San Diego. Someone who has a loved one who needs a kidney but doesn't have a matching donor gives to another needy pairing who passes one to the next pair, and so on. It's a new way of matching up donors.

My friend will get her kidney on Wednesday, only two months after we would have had our surgeries. I am SO HAPPY for her!!!!

(Sometimes it is really hard to have Faith in the twists of Life, but so often it comes out for the best in the end!)

On "Bowing not knowing to what"

I am continually surprised by the unexpected nature of life. Just when we think that we have grabbed a firm hold on the reins and are driving the team and wagon of our days along the dusty track we prefer - Bam!- the journey changes. A wheel falls off, a fallen tree blocks the road, the team bolts with a mind of its own, or we simply decide to pull the wagon onto a grassy patch and rest for a while. In any case, our travels through life have a way of going in any direction but the one that we expect them to.

I came across part of this poem quoted in a TV show review this morning. Instantly I knew it was perfect for my mood of the day. Not focused on death and ends, but just bemused by the constant "not knowing to what" and yet carrying on by believing in something that marks our days here... for now.

“On the Anniversary of My Death”
W. S. Merwin

Every year without knowing it I have passed the day
When the last fires will wave to me
And the silence will set out
Tireless traveller
Like the beam of a lightless star

Then I will no longer
Find myself in life as in a strange garment
Surprised at the earth
And the love of one woman
And the shamelessness of men
As today writing after three days of rain
Hearing the wren sing and the falling cease
And bowing not knowing to what


Thank you for visiting my blog after my long absence. I wish you all the best of friendship and love as we all muddle through the unexpectedness of life together.

Ahh... Vacation Ends...

Hello all. I'm back after a lovely break.

All is well, and I've deeply enjoyed taking some time to pursue more work for more clients, teaching my first "real" yoga classes, and spending oodles of fun times with my family.

Hope you've all been exceedingly well, and I look forward to catching up on your lives and writings.

Namaste

His Answer is... No

I won't be donating a kidney in June after all.

I finally got to meet with the Transplant Surgeon. He didn't like my weight and the look of my torso. Said he was worried about the surgical process. So he said, No.

Just like that.

No.

I met all the criteria, took all the tests, exceeded all the requirements and still No.

He said they should have sent me to him first. This is very helpful to find out after an entire year of working toward this goal.

All along, I've said to myself that if that I wouldn't force this process. If it was meant to be, the path would open up in front of me. So far, that has been the case - all green lights to go to the next stage.

I don't feel like trying to force myself past this obstacle.

I was shaken as I left the office, crying as I called my friend to tell her. I went to see my Transplant Coordinator but she was with another patient so I left a message with the receptionist. Five days later, I'm still waiting for her call. I certainly don't feel cared for, and I don't feel like my recipient was either. I feel like they let me slip through their fingers by not having clear internal communication about their requirements.

Too bad.

Just Look at the Pendulum and Relax Your Thoughts...

Just paid a visit to my hypnotist. (What?- You don't have a hypnotist?! She's also my yoga teacher.) I'm feeling much calmer now. She's working with me to prepare for the surgery and for all good results during and after. I have no doubt that our work can reduce my amount of pain, the anesthesia needed, and the post-op medications.

I was able to go through all my frustrations with her and now I'm feeling much more confident in my decision. I am healthy and a good donor. So I'll lose weight. Let's just get the decision behind me, the surgery behind me, and move on to the future!

Good God, Just Cut Me Open Already But Stop Torturing Me

You wouldn't think it would be so hard to give away an organ. My kidney donation has been proceeding with tests, tests, and more tests. At each test, there is essentially the same result. Some medical authority, in some office, flipping through blurred-ink papers and then looking up at me to say, Hmmm. This result looks good. You're healthy.

The variation on that is, Hmm. This result looks okay. It's almost not okay, but it's actually fine at this point. You might get really sick in the future.

Followed by the grudging admission that as of today at least, I am actually quite healthy.

Then said medical professional points out my weight and my need to lose weight. Yes, I get it. I need to lose weight. That would be even MORE optimally healthy. Yes, if I don't lose weight, I just MIGHT get ... fill in the blank here... hypertension, heart disease, strokes, diabetes, arthritis, etc. - BUT I do not CURRENTLY have any of those conditions.

So lose weight.

I'm like, Okay, so I'm healthy, so can I just give this kidney to my friend now and move on with my life? Because all of these tests, appointments, and emotional ups and downs are quite distracting from... work, writing, parenting, housekeeping, marriage building, vacationing, etc.

I met with the Nephrologist yesterday to undergo intensive scrutiny. Big surprise, she loved me. And I really liked her. She's from Romania and she taught me to say "Que Fache? - How are you?" (which is more like Portuguese than the French I was expecting.) All of these people are cool on a people-level. She poked me and prodded me and asked lots of questions and looked through sheaves of test results and did complex calculations on a cool medical app on her iPhone and ultimately said... Yep, there are absolutely no counterindications to donating.

She also made sure to tell me at least ten times that I am obese. Yes, my BMI is 34.8, actually down now to below the 35 cutoff. Yes, I get it. I am losing weight. It is a slow process. I already gave up wheat - what more do you people want from me?

So I'm saying - For God's sake, just take the damn kidney and let me heal and move on with my life.

OR just tell me NO. Thanks, but no thanks. Nice of you to try.

And don't make me go to any more appointments!

Incendiary - A Poem

(I Feel) Incendiary

Like he is a

Pile of golden straw,

Dry blowing chaff,

Scratchy kindling

Heaped up and looking

At me through dry, red-rimmed eyes

Asking, "Is that a match in your hand?"

When I have absolutely no idea

Where the matches even are

I lost the matches long ago

Along with so many other things

Lost

Or misplaced in the fog of confusion

That makes up my days