Miracle in Progress

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My attorney JUST called. I haven't heard from him in a few years and I have just been waiting patiently. He says it is time to go back to court!!!

Now is the optimal time to put things in motion and clear up my future. I am SO excited!!!!!

I have been waiting and waiting for this. Making lists of what I can possibly do to re-establish myself. I knew 2012 was going to be the year.

I knew it!!!!!

Beautiful Monday

I'm starting this week with more energy than I have for a long while. It was a good weekend; I got two proposals done before deadline, and I knocked out our taxes in a steady six hours of work. It feels great to have that big task done.

We even get a refund so we will finally have a bit of a savings account. With my increased work and pay, we are very close to paying off all our credit debt and starting to build assets for the future. Last night, I told my family (they are used to me talking frequently about money as it's one of my obsessive-track topics):

"I don't think it sounds very motivating to have an Emergency Savings Fund like all the financial advisors suggest. It's like you are planning to have an emergency. Instead let's call it our Trip to Europe Fund, and stock it with enough to cover 3 months of expenses anyway.

And then, after we get to that goal, let's re-name it the B and J Wedding/House Down Payment Account. If we have to save tons of money and have it just sitting around, let's make it seem fun and positive."

Obviously, the girls were all for that. And since the security and happiness of my daughters is my number one guiding principle in living, I like it too.

They've ditched school today (due to minor colds) so while I teach yoga, they're going to work on homework, then we're all going to the mall for lunch at Nordstrom and to buy B some new jeans. She keeps growing so that they don't cover her ankles!

I hope your day is fun and rewarding as well.

Friday the 13th

So far, a very pleasant day for me.

The calm pace of this day stands in contrast to most of the last two weeks. I'm not sure what's different. Perhaps it's the intensely rainy weather, washing my stress away. Perhaps I'm simply relieved that it's Friday, and the weekend is opening before me with a promise of rest. [After last weekend's holiday events and social visits, the only thing I plan to do this weekend is sleep in, light housekeeping, and our taxes for 2011. The fact that I find the prospect of completing our year's taxes rewarding, engaging, and fun probably tells you a lot more about me than I should be giving away! :) ]

I often get tense when my daughters go back to school after a vacation, and I have to start interacting with a "System" again. I didn't enjoy the whole afternoon of parent conferences for my older girl -- even though her teachers' comments were uniformly positive and appreciative. That has to do with the storytelling that goes on in my own mind -- and I'm well aware of the potential falseness of my fearful stories -- but awareness didnt' stop it from happening!

I've spent the last 10 days or so rushed and impatient and pushing myself hard to get more and more work done. I've been feeling our family's financial need as a huge, cumbersome burden that I drag with me from hour to hour in the day, and long into the night.

And then I've been quarrelsome with S. And that doesn't help matters. Not surprisingly, he hasn't responded to my anxiety, irritability, and general criticalness in an open-armed way.

Yesterday was one of those grueling days. S and I argued the night before, well past when we could have been asleep. I felt out of sorts and unappreciated and inefficient. And I had to go to lunch with my boss.

For reasons of my own insecurity, that very pleasant lunch filled me with dread. I've worked with M for an entire year now, and our working relationship is only getting better and better. We are becoming more specialized; she handles the client relations and the financial paperwork; I do the descriptive writing and begin the applications. We both do research.

But yesterday was the first time we would be alone together face-to-face in a whole year of phone calls, and emails, and infrequent social occasions. We needed to discuss the unsavory history of a client organization, just recently come to light. And, in that spirit of disclosure and ethical business, I needed to confide to her my own background as well.

See, I'm a criminal. Well, I was a criminal, long ago, very briefly. But I've got the label now and fear the stigma and rejection. My poor judgment stopped my teaching position and forced my life down the path I'm now on. In general, I prefer to tell people this before I interact with them beyond a casual basis. Most of my friends and employers know this about me and don't care a bit. But with a new friend, or a new business partner, the moment of the reveal is fraught with anxiety and fear. Will they reject me outright? Will they pretend it's okay then go behind my back? Even talking about this situation - decades old now - in that heightened atmosphere brings back the pain of losing my career, the wound ripped freshly open. I want to be calm and matter-of-fact; instead my voice trembles and tears pool in my eyes. I hate that. I hate caring so much what other people think of me, and I hate feeling so vulnerable.

And this was my boss, the one in charge of my main source of income that my family so badly needs. I thought about not taking the risk. But instead, I told her anyway. It is just the right thing to do. And if she, or anyone, is going to reject me, I might as well get it over with sooner rather than later so I can start re-building anew.

So that was yesterday. My grueling task over muffins and salad. My head ached, my stomach churned, my hands shook. Like so many other difficult and terrifying moments in my life, I got through it. Of course, she was wonderful. Said it didn't matter a bit, that everybody makes mistakes, and that she loves my work. Even more reassuring, she sent me more work today.

So, I think everything is fine. Once again. Whew.

Now, I feel much better. I sit at my green desk, sipping a glass of chilled white wine and watching the weather. I write this, even though it's deeply personal, as I know I must express myself and process through it all.

Next, I will finish the text for a proposal to Weingart Foundation. I have four of those proposals to complete in the next few days. Like doing taxes, they seem like a fun break. Weingart is everybody's favorite funder, I think. Their form is super-easy and straightforward, and they are extremely kind and approachable. I'm looking forward to a much better evening and a renewed week.

Peace

I've been quarreling a lot with my husband lately. I've been tense and irritable, anxious and overworked. I mean, I know a lot of it IS me. I'm not very patient and I'm sort of snappy and I get fed up with the littlest thing.

I know that's not very pleasant to live with, and I'm sorry, babe.

But I'm kinda glad about it too. After a few tough days, I am feeling SO much better today. More balanced and hopeful. More warm and loving.

I think having those prickly times, and not having them turn into a huge disaster is actually very reassuring. It shows me that it's okay for us to just be who we are, and that we like each other anyway. And that's very, very nice.

It feels good to be liked for who you are, doesn't it?

Let's continue to work our way along this path - together!

Miraculous 2012!

I work with a (mostly) sweet, little old lady to plan a big fundraiser every year. Her longtime volunteering and good work in the community has been guided by her motto:

Expect a Miracle!

I realized today that I am expecting my own series of miracles for the rest of this year. There are a few things that I want very badly, and I am going to expect them to happen. So there.

1. Gain total legal freedom. I'm sick of this limbo-land, and am ready to move forward even more with my life.

2. Get fit and in shape. It's cuter, it's healthier, and it makes me a better yoga teacher.

3. Make a LOT of money by working and having a lot of money show up in my life. By the end of the year, I expect $200,000. I don't know yet where all of it can come from, but it will.

4. Revive old friendships. Life has a way of taking us away from those we care about just through circumstance and busy-ness. But friends are life's riches, and are worth some effort. This idea that people who have a difficult past together can't be friends is ridiculous. I've never believed it. How can someone who matters to you just be cut out of your life? We all help make our pasts, and we all live with them, but the past doesn't have to drag into the future. I want the people I've shared my life with to stay close. (Plus I'm fed up with getting emails from people who used to be good friends only because some virus has taken over their account and thinks I will follow the link to a viagra site. That happened twice last week. Sheesh. )

Working with the Past

It's a beautiful rainy day today. An unexpected gift of the season. I wanted to work somewhere with large windows, where I have a view of the cloudy, moving sky, so I'm back at what used to be my favorite cafe.

I walked in with a shock, realizing that I actually haven't been here in months. When my favorite yoga studio was still in this quaint little town, I used to come here all the time. But since the studio closed two years ago, my routines have subtly shifted. My business now tends to take me other places, and I work in other cafes, with better coffee and more reliable wi-fi.

Still though, entering this stuffy, packed room was like walking back into the past. A year or so ago, my friend and I used to meet here to work several times a week. And before that I have memories of this area, when I used to go to the park daily for my exercise and mood-lifts.

I associate this room with a lot of fiction writing, and a lot of blogging as well. And also some good solid proposal work. It's funny to be back here, and remember all of that. I think I'm glad to be so busy, and also that my life continues to evolve and move forward.

Cafes are just fun in general. They are packed during day time hours with people chatting quietly, and leafing through notes, and tapping away at laptops. They are the study centers and the home offices of the 21st century. I much enjoy being a part of that.

Reach...

The act of writing is an act of optimism.

You would not take the trouble to do it if you felt that it didn’t matter. -- Edward Albee