Ugh. I hate the "new" look of blogger. What a hassle. There was nothing wrong with the way the other system worked. In this one, my words are just hanging in this little faded box while I create. It's disheartening.

Neutral Wednesday

I find I don't have much to say, nor time to say it in.

I feel spread a bit thin lately. The last of the May 1 deadline proposals wrap up this week (obviously) and I'll be glad to see them go. It will be nice to get back to working on stuff a bit less time-sensitive.

The weekend was good, but tiring. The Festival was well-attended and hot, sort of spread out. The week is moving along fast.

Next up - more ferrying kids about, then writing, then dinner, then writing. Then bed, then writing. I think you see the pattern here. :)

Feeling Happy!!

Even though it's blazing hot here - like crazy, extra-summer hot - I'm looking forward to this weekend. We will make our annual trek to the Festival of Books, talk writing, browse books, and see some of our favorite authors.

I don't like USC as the venue at all; I miss the graceful campus of UCLA. Otherwise though it should be a fun LA weekend. We even hotwired a boutique hotel for tomorrow night. After the pace of the last few weeks, I'm looking forward to a restful pause.

I have two more proposals to finish up tonight, but they're mostly done so I think I can complete them before I sleep. I'm looking forward to finally being caught up with everything next week!

From a Year Ago...

Nice Enough

It's a nice day. Uneventful. Lightly productive and pleasant to live through.

I'm trying to give myself some calm and space to process through this amazing opportunity opening up before me. I don't want to be over -reactive; I kind of want to stay together enough that I feel some control of the energy going on, instead of just having it course through me and go off in its own directions.

Yes, that is one way to move things around in life, but that kind of random transformation hasn't always served me in the past. Whatever. Maybe that makes sense to you, maybe not, but I kinda know what I mean.

So, I am being calm and breathing. I am reflecting before acting, neither procrastinating nor rushing in, but just being calm. I have made some progress in all areas of my life.

Today, so far, I've mostly worked. I've been putting the event planning on the back burner while I write proposals, so today has been spent doing physical errands for the event. Visiting funders. Picking up mail. Checking out the wifi at the event location. Running around through a sunny day in a cute little town is a very nice break from sitting at a desk. I was texting with my friend and she's quite jealous.

The long drive down the freeway was a nice space to clear my head. Meanwhile, there's part of my brain working on the different things I'll be writing next; part is planning the weekend; and part is considering all the best people to contact and all the ways to get support for my coming judgment. But I feel pretty good about it. Whereas in the past, there was always this panicky, fear feeling, now I feel like even if I didn't do or get anything else, that I would fly through this anyway on my own merits.

Holy Coincidence, Batman!

Or, you know, a sign.

A sign that things are moving along exactly as they are supposed to!

So, yesterday, my attorney happened to mention the name of a really fair judge that he hopes will decide my motion. Restless in between tasks, I thought I'd do a little research on him. Not in a creepy stalker way, you know, just to find out something and maybe see a photo so I can send positive energy his way. So that I'll know who I'll be looking at while my future is being decided.

I found some very nice articles about him and some impressive social-justice work he's done from the bench and in the community. Inspired by John F. Kennedy. Okay, so far so good. Then I found a couple of photos. He looks nice. Smart. Grandfatherly.

Then I clicked out of my search and into the home page for the Community Foundation I need to apply to next. And, Holy Cow! There's the exact same photo that I was just looking at! Turns out, my nice and fair judge does work for the Foundation as well.

It's like we're already working for the same causes. That seems positive, doesn't it?

Super-Energized

God, I'm buzzy right now.

I am so excited about my news from yesterday. Already I am overwhelmed with the new list of things I'll want to do, ways to make the strongest case possible. All things to get done in addition to the fairly busy workload I already had.

But worth the effort. So worth it.

I couldn't sleep well last night. When I awoke at 2:30 am and realized that I was fully alert, I gave up trying to fall asleep. The beauty of my job is I can do it anywhere, any time. So I put those hours to use and finished up two more proposals. Then crashed back asleep just in time to be totally groggy for the morning routines. My 10 year old had to wake me up!!! (Repeatedly. And make the lunches. And cook breakfast. She is AWESOME!)

I've spent the morning dividing my time between the usual errands of tidying, cooking, and Target, and getting some work done, and talking to friends about this exciting development.

I am so joyous and hopeful. And also scared of getting my hopes up too high. Having to talk about it all of course brings back difficult memories. And then I just am on this huge energetic surge. It just feels incredible. It's like forces are aligning together to work this good act in my life. I've felt it coming too.

I reached out to a few old friends this week, and I went to a real, proper yoga class as a student for the first time in months. The energy that opened up is scary almost.

And I am just full of hope. Awash with love for the whole world and such a profound sense of gratitude. It feels like doors are opening. It feels like new things are being attained. I am so appreciative. Really. Thanks. Everything does feel like it is balancing, and that it is balancing in a loving, positive, future-oriented way.

We might not always get the past we wanted to have, but sometimes, we can still have something wonderful and warm and solid in the future.