Ugh. I'm in one of those weird mixed up moods this morning. The anxiety is spinning around inside like Dorothy's tornado; the black storm clouds of Depression are hovering at the edges of my mind as well; a low pressure system is poised to sweep over my entire being.

It's too bad really, becasue I have quite a lot of work to do in the next few days. I managed to beat the deadline on a proposal yesterday, much to the amazement of my friends, and I have SEVEN more that I need to finish and submit between now and Friday. So there is no choice. No matter what my mood, I will need to pull my focus together and produce.

My workload is one reason my blogging has taken a back seat lately. Also I have simply been busy. Summer is an occupied time for our family and between family activities and social events if I do find myself with some computer time, I tend to spend it working.

A big makeover project in my daughter's bedroom took every waking hour for seven days. That was more time than I budgeted for, but it came out lovely, and she is happy. And I am glad to finally have things back in the rooms where they belong.

Yesterday was my younger daughter's BIG birthday party. For the last three days, my time has been all about her. We shopped and planned and made games. We cleaned and decorated. Yesterday we spent all day preparing and then running her party. Really, it was TWO parties. There was one group of kids in the backyard, playing carnival games and eating nachos and cotton candy. Then there were some of my best friends, the parents of those kids, in my dining room. They quite contentedly enjoyed wine and cheese and conversation. The parties would blend together and then split apart again in an easy flow. I'm known in our circle for my fabulous social events, so people were quite happy to stay and stay. The last guests didn't leave until almost eleven pm, and I was exhausted when I fell into bed after midnight.

Which made it hard this morning to wake up to my husband coming back into the bedroom - he ALWAYS wakes up before me and drinks coffee!- and realizing that he was in a bad mood. Turns out that the constant stream of phone calls are just about more than he can stand. He simply isn't ready to deal with conversation or friendship or any kind of contact. And the more he feels pushed, the more he feels upset. Yesterday, he was reminding me that he will not tolerate any more betrayal from me. He is ready to leave if that happens. Fair enough. I appreciate his fears and his position. For my part, I am completely uninterested in betrayal. I am happy here in my life. I am quite happy with him. I'm not looking for any drama, upheaval, or change.

So, the third reason I haven't blogged lately -- I've simply been unsure what to write about. The re-appearance in our lives of D makes me want to be very careful and take things very slowly. My response under stressful situations is to be friendly and kind. As I told my husband this morning, that is the best tool in my toolbox. It is the one that has worked consistently for me in a variety of difficult situations.

But how about distant compassion? A little space, for God's sake!

I appreciate the attempts at reconciliation. I'm even willing to consider that they may be sincere, and not just carefully crafted manipulations intended to entrap me in a compromising situation that can only bring upheaval to my life. But I am simply not ready to talk. My husband is absolutely not ready to talk -- and may never be. And the escalating contacts are offputting and frightening. I need more space to sort through my own feelings and be true to my own best interests. I need time and understanding of my commitment to my husband and to consideration of his feelings first. And I can give myself all of those things; I don't have to ask them from anyone else. This is something I've learned over these last years.

I'm not even sure I want to reconcile. I'm not sure that this friendship can ever bring enough positives into our lives to outweigh its inherent negatives. My husband, of course, would be happy enough to move forward with no contact again, ever. He feels threatened and harrassed and will not tolerate that at all. I'm slower to cut all ties. I've always been a believer in amiability. But it's not amiable to call someone who has specifically asked not to be called. And it's not friendly to put your own needs ahead of your friends'.

This probably isn't my most coherent post ever. But it's mine. I gave up blogging here because I felt uncomfortable and over-exposed. I'm coming back to it because I refuse to give up my voice no matter what the circumstances.

Look, the last few years were hard. They hurt everybody. I made some poor choices and things were difficult; I started making good choices and things got great. I don't want to put myself back into the position of making poor choices. I'm not willing to do that to me, to my family, to my husband, to all my friends who count on me. I'm not willing to do it to my friend. Because that is what loyalty, compassion, and caring look like -- not doing things rashly that may hurt yourself or someone else.

Feeling Voiceless

Sigh.

Considering Broken Teacups

On July Fifth, as I was writing about teacups that do not break, my friend Phil over at Green Ink was describing her favorite, and once broken, mug:

"Things that are broken can sometimes be put back together, and they are all the more beautiful because of the cracks, the life marks. That's where the stories are.

You can always pick up the pieces and start again."

I could not agree more!!

Working Thursday

Here's what's on my mind today:

First - Re-establishing contact with former friend seems to be on indefinite hold. My husband is just not that interested; he figures things are fine as they are. And I do see his point there.

It's mostly not a reflection on our friend either. My husband, in general, is uninterested in making friends. Most of his friends are mine, who he really truly likes and enjoys spending time around. But if it's up to him to keep a bond going, he's unlikely to make the effort. Particularly if there have been any bad feelings. He and his brother crossed swords ten years ago, and haven't spoken since. (Although I've begun a re-unification campaign that involves sending special occasion cards and gifts and we are experiencing slow detente between our families.) He's also had a marked falling off with his best friend for years. Even with his parents I practically have to force him to pick up the phone and call or strong arm us into visiting. I do it for the sake of our children and because it's the right thing to do.

But, definitely, I am the one who is into having a rich, social network, and my husband is quite content to have me and my friends by extension.

Also, I haven't pursued any contact. In the past, I had a habit of obsessively phoning and seeing this friend. I want to show myself and my husband and my friends that I am not going to lose my sense of perspective like that again. So, for my own health, I am holding off.

And, our friend hasn't been back in touch either. I'd have to suspect he's reasoning along similar lines, and, again, with valid reasons. So, there you go. Three people, no one making contact = a pretty non-happening situation. I can only hope that we are very slowly laying down a solid base for amiability in the long run. In the meantime, I hope everything is okay and bearable, maybe even improving?

Second- Just got our cell phone bill. It is DOUBLE what it usually is and I will have to find out why. I suspect it's because my husband discovered the joy of texting with work colleagues. I kept telling him to increase his plan. Looks like it may have increased for us - in the bad way! Or maybe they thought we were in Mexico when we were in San Diego. Either way, I'll have to follow it up...

Third- We lost our credit card. Searched everywhere and reported it lost. Then we found it under the seat of our car. I knew it too! I knew all along it wasn't really lost, just misplaced. So now I have to call and see if they can reinstate this one, or if we have to get a replacement. Eek. It's awkward not having our main card to pay for purchases. I'm trying to just use cash, but that gets tricky sometimes.

Fourth (and most pressing) - I have three, THREE, proposals that are all due before I sleep tonight!! That's why I'm writing so much here. Warming up, as it were. Glad, so glad, for the work, but feeling so unmotivated to spend the entire day writing while my family swirls around me. At least the only other thing I have to do is clean house a bit and make phone calls (as detailed above). And write.

I've had a story in my mind for more than three weeks, and if I don't make "fun" writing time soon and get it into print, I'm going to lose it. Maybe this weekend I can grab a few hours...

Happy Fourth... uh... Fifth of July!!

It's been a busy few days.

We're on vacation in San Diego and having an amazing time. I got a whole passel of tight-deadline work assigned to me right before I left, so I've been juggling writing into my mornings and nights and feeling very smug about having a job that moves with me wherever I go.

My good friend and her family joined us here, and spending this week with her has been fabulous. Like me, she is a teacher and a busy mom, and having that second mom around as back-up made everything smooth as chocolate over the last few days.

Two of us to pack things up. Two of us to cast around for left behind shoes, hair bands, ipods, water bottles and all the other thousand things that daughters travel with.

Also two of us to sit by the pool last night, chatting and giggling. We watched the sunset and sipped our wine marveling that we could be so calm and so ready to see the fireworks. Everything and everyone was in place, hours ahead of time. It didn't have the usual frantic feel of a Fourth of July, as you jostle to get everyone into position and situated in the darkening night.

Just before dusk, while the sun was staining the clouds with gold, a summer rain fell. Completely refreshing and magical in its unexpectedness. Filled me with hope and joy that I sent radiating out to you as well.

Over the San Diego Bay, we saw at least eight simultaneous firework displays. Four of them were synchronized, separated by miles along the coast. The one closest to us had an echo of lights right behind it. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, green sparkles and golden fizz and bright, white, cold lights like diamonds in the sky hanging over the same buildings where I once worried about broken teacups.

Some teacups are never meant to break, and light might be fizzing up with the next rocket's burst.

Twist

A former friend got back in touch with my husband and me this week. It was out of the blue and completely unexpected. Perhaps he wanted to pick back up on old times. Perhaps move into a good future. But I find that our schedule can’t match his; my husband and I need some time to process our feelings. There is no rush to resume anything, especially anything that brings conflict.

We were friends through some extremely difficult periods in all our lives. Just hearing from him brought back some of those memories. It also cemented our certainty that we never want to go through that kind of turmoil again - ever.

Although we parted on affable terms, I have mixed emotions about our friendship. I’m all for being amiable. However, I’ve been enjoying my life just fine by wishing him well at a distance and not having to deal with any issues. My life is filled with good, healthy friendships – almost more than I have time for – and yet there is infinite room for true friends. Friends that bring kindness, compassion, understanding, sharing and new points of view to my days. (And maybe a good bottle of wine!) This friendship could be rich in all of those; he has so much to offer. On the other hand, I have no time to give to disruptive or negative influences. I simply have too much good stuff going on for that.

Part of my mixed feelings arise from finding that my friend is sad. I had hoped that things were going well for him these last few years. That they haven’t been is disheartening. When he asked me if I have been happy, I answered yes. He didn’t quite believe me; I realized that because he has been so unhappy it’s hard for him. But I have been very happy.

I am happy.

In fact, my friends have been coming to me lately for tips on contentment. They say that I seem so balanced and at peace. And why wouldn’t I be? I truly have everything I have ever wanted. A secure home, a loving marriage, beautiful, wondrous children, daily friendships, and a budding writing career. Patching things up with this friend could be the icing on the cake.

The pink glittering icing.

Today, my family spent the day at the mall. We had an amazing lunch at Nordstrom Café. My daughters and I go there periodically, for a girls’ day out treat. But today was even better, because my husband is on vacation and he was able to join us. We laughed our way through salads and sandwiches amid the tinkling glassware. The room is lush with rich wood tables and gilt candelabras. Light pours from the golden dome in the center of the ceiling.

For dessert, I tried the Pink Champagne Cake. A tower of frosted confection with cake so light and ethereal, it practically captured bubbles within it. The burst of sugar and wine across my tongue brought tears of joy to my eyes at the first taste. And the beauty of it! White layers mounded with champagne icing, covered over with swirls of fairy pink sparkle.

My laughing family, a day out together, work waiting at home, and the most delicious, glamorous cake I’ve ever eaten. Anyone who can understand the joy I feel at this is welcome to be our friend.

Sigh

Words fail me...