Don't Let Yesterday Use Up Too Much of Today*

Ahh. A working lunch.

For the first time in ages. I'm in a pleasant outdoor café, enjoying the balmy weather and the words appearing before me.

Although when I think of it, it's not that I haven't worked in ages; it's that I never remember to make time to eat lunch in my busy days. So it is a nice, indulgent change of pace to be out in public, enjoying the venue, working my work, with a nice meal as well.

Ever since summer, I've been scrambling week after week to keep up with all of my grants/clients, my other job, and my family's needs. I always feel about two weeks behind. But, slowly but surely, I keep plugging away at it all. Now, I sit here, almost completely up to date. On the cusp of looking for MORE work even.

It really is groundbreaking.

I might even get around to making some New Year's resolutions, now that I have some energy to follow through with them. )

*credit - Will Rogers

Work Days

I find it very difficult to work well lately.

Every day, I drive my daughters around. This interrupts my day and splits it into little chunks.

My older daughter has a sleep disorder. Waking her up and getting her going each day takes a lot of focus and effort from me. I look forward to the day when she will be fully responsible for her own actions. Whether she will learn to adapt and thus succeed, or whether she will flounder for a while, I am ready to let her find out for herself. I doubt that she will find other people - roommates, boyfriends - who will be willing to help her as much as she now needs. But we will see. There are very helpful, caring people in the world, and she is a generally charming and fun person to be around, so someone may find her worthwhile.

My parents are buying a new house. This has required a lot of research and hand-holding on my part. Some aspect of the sale process require phone calls and attention from me every day. My mom and I talk several times a day about new inspections, finances, or whatever. I hope the sale will go through quickly and this phase will end soon. I am inpatient for them to simply be in their new home, comfortable and happy and close to us so that we can see them more often.

My dad continues to become more ill. This is a very hard process. Every week, he has lost a little bit more of his self - a bit more comprehension, a bit more movement, a bit of language. It is like watching your loved one die before your eyes, but slowly, and knowing that you cannot do anything about it. 

I hope they are able to move into their new house quickly enough that my dad will be able to appreciate it and enjoy it. I hope that instead of missing his home of 40 years, he will be able to find the pleasures of the new, smaller yard, the lap pool, and the view. Of a brighter, newer home with better heat and cooling. Of pavement for his walker and cane and wheelchair. It seems more humane at this point to care for him in this new home instead of an assisted living facility. I hope it works.

I would love some day to sit down to my work and feel like work is all I have to think about. As it is, work is interrupted by transport and errands and appointments. Today I must get the van fixed. And arrange alternate transportation. I do not have the luxury of losing myself into my work for hours at a time.

Usually, when I work, I feel like I am just doing a skillful impersonation of a grant writer at work. I produce grant after grant. Many of them are quite good; a fair amount get funding. Nonetheless, I cannot quite shake the feeling of being the man behind the curtain and waiting for the whole business to collapse around my ears. Especially when I am trying to squeeze it in around the rest of my life, and squeeze the rest of my life in around it.

And fiction? Other writing? What's that? Oh, yes, I remember my twenties and thirties when I had the time to write without purpose, just for the fun of it. To take classes. To journal. Maybe in a few more years, I can stop being a valet and a driver, and return to being more of a writer.

With Prayers for All Healing

I often say this as a benediction, to end the yoga classes that I teach:

May the energy of your life move out into the world, blessing others

 

And may the energy of others, and the energy of the World, return to you

Blessing you...

by Theodore Roethke

Deep in their roots,

all flowers keep the light.

Buzz and Flutter

I was sitting here, quietly working. It's a much lovelier day so I had left the door open to allow the play of cool breezes.

Suddenly, a hummingbird flew right into the kitchen!

Her wings buzzed like an angry bee. I was already ducking as I realized what the sound was. I turned to see her fluttering just above my head, and then, zip!, she was gone - back out the door and into the trees.

I've never had that happen before.

Hummingbirds do love our house, and they are very friendly to us. Three years ago, I hung a small wooden welcome sign a few feet from our front door. Ever since, the locals have been using it as a nesting site. We've lost count of how many broods of hummingbirds have been hatched and raised there in the summers since then. It's a lovely feeling, having that tiny little nest and those adorable little eggs just out front.

At a certain point in the nesting cycle, we stop using our door at night so as not to startle the mother away in the dark (when she can't easily navigate). During the day, our presence doesn't seem to bother her at all. It most not, because the birds keep coming back.

Once the babies hatch, the mother only comes to feed them and they are alone in their nest until they grow too large to be squeezed together any more. Then one of them launches out and the other follows within a day. Two more jewels for our flying display!

Maybe one of the babies decided to come back for a quick visit. :)

My Book Loving Life

I don't even know where we are in this photo.

Bookstore? Museum gift shop? I'm sure it was fun and memorable.

Which Occupation Next?

Hmmm. After a few very busy days, I'm here.

I've been sitting without much inspiration at my work for a while now. I'm just not feeling either the driving motivation or the driving pressure of an imminent deadline enough to get my working words flowing.

And I don't know if I have any profound ideas to post here.

So there you are. But, I did say that I would post more often. Coming here to write is a great creative break. Maybe I'll go run some errands.

It's been so hot here the last few days that it is a relief not to feel trapped inside the house by the brutal elements. I could pay some bills. I could finish the dishes. Hmmm.

I need to go to my parents' house and do some paperwork for them.

As you can see, my opportunities for fun are boundless.