While the rain falls, my thoughts are here and there. Breakfast with friends is nice but anxious at the same time. I watch and I listen, and I wonder how and why we all got to be so filled with anxiety and stress. It seems that no matter the state of my friends' lives, still they are always rushed, always worried, always fearful of falling behind.

I try to feel along with them; I try to bank my own feelings. I am aware of the similarities in our lives, the places where I build our friendships. And I am aware of the gap. That large, almost infinite space, that dwells within me. The place I came from and will go back to. That timeless spaceless passage. The realm of possibility.

It is always there, within my reach. Despite fears, despite joys, despite regrets or comforts. They are all shades of the same, and only that deeper reality is enduring.

If you know what I mean

Dilemma

I realize that I have all but given up on fiction. Oh, in my heart, I still love it, and I still want to write it.

I just don't know if there is any point to doing so.

These days I find myself focused on earning income, and economic and social survival, and keeping up with increasing household tasks. And, sadly, writing for fun gets pushed to the bottom of my list.

I am so busy with busyness, and so busy with "working". I spend every minute trying to either tackle my to-do list or create products that sell for my clients. Secretly, I'm convinced that there's no career future to be made in the sort of fiction that comes naturally to me. I love it. Maybe two hundred others out there would too.

Is that enough?

Part of me says that it is. Part of me is still pushing myself to write. To get up earlier. To stay up later. To blow off the chores and even the clients. But the guilt either way is incredible.

I read a story once, "Mockingbird", where the lead character was a painter facing death. He said something like, Having a little talent is a terrible thing.

I know just what he means. Put in the effort and time to grow the talent? Or let it lie fallow and dormant while pursuing necessary life?

Sometime today I have to decide if this spark within me should stay banked or if I should sign up for another round of mentoring, which I know from experience means I will produce new pieces. Hmm.

Autumn Moment

And the light pours golden through the leaves. Always, the light pours golden...

Amazing...

weather lately. We've moved from the hottest day on record last week, topping the thermometer around 115 degrees, to gorgeous, drizzly rain and clouds.

My mood improves with each hour that passes and each drop of water that falls.

I hope you enjoy this view as much as I do.

Meh

I had my birthday this weekend.

I don't know quite what to say about it. It was wonderful, and it was hideous. One good part was getting older. I find I don't mind that at all and in fact I'm rather proud of it. It's like a small achievement, a victory against the chaos of life. Plus I like my new age - 42. Rolls right off the tongue.

The hideous part was my social and general anxiety.

I struggle to trust that other people will truly care about me and take care of my needs. It's because I've had some bad experiences with birthdays in the past and feeling totally neglected. Nothing like top-of-the-scale trauma, but just feeling overlooked. Which actually makes me feel guilty because I tend to sort of mope around being hyper-sensitive and critical and feeling bad for being so shallow that I can't just relax and be flush with gratitude and warmth and cheer. So I beat myself up all day long while struggling to put on a good face.

That's enough of a dynamic to send anyone reeling away. But to top it off, this year I triggered my Anxiety Disorder this week, so I'm also dealing with the after effects of that. I had to fill out a lot of legal documents last Monday, and the stress of it, combined with the pressure of work, took me right back to that place of free-floating anxiety and hapless adrenaline spikes.

I've worked with myself a long time now to get past that. Once your body conditions itself to being in an anxious state, it really sort of wants to go there during stress. The heightened awareness, trouble sleeping, and fight-or-flight panic responses are really only useful if you are in physical danger. Then they're lovely. Otherwise, they just interfere with the ability to concentrate, relax, interact with others, and cope with psychological stressors.

I even found myself having flashbacks to various assaults, something that hasn't happened for a long time now. And, of course, the nightmares. Ah, fun.

But... And it is a major but... being consciously aware of this is extremely helpful. Having a spiritual practice is extremely helpful. Having amazing friends is wondrously helpful. So there were many wonderful parts of my weekend as well, including -

I came home from yoga practice to find my daughters finishing off a cake and homemade cards for me - two days early so they could surprise me. The whole house smelled of vanilla and chocolate.

My friends insisted on having a dinner, and one of them spent the entire day cooking roast pork and other French treats. We also had a wide variety of wines, and, of course, champagne with the cake. Otherwise it's not a celebration!

My family and I took a 2 mile hike through a beautiful mountain trail and got followed by a building storm and nonstop thunder. The rain hit just as we made it back to the car, and after, there was a double rainbow.

My parents insisted on spending the whole day with me, and took us all out to dinner in a fancy restaurant of my choice. There was even more wine! :) Even if they bug me, they are really sweet and they do love me.

Shawn worked hard to buy me gifts - even wrapped them!- and he didn't fight with me despite my wildly varying moods. That's a huge relief right there, as our fights don't do any good and tend to just devestate me so that I can't work well.

Plus, now the whole thing's over for an entire year.

I almost got away. I had made plans for us to go to San Diego, but I cancelled them when friends and family so clearly wanted to spend the time with me. All day I was thinking of how I could have been miles away, cruising on the sun-gilded harbor, literally in a different world. I erred on the side of staying connected, but I should have just gotten the hell out of Dodge. My instinct to flee was a good one.

If you're around next year, do me a favor and just point that out. That's one reason why I'm putting it down here in black and white, in the hope that I'll remember.

There are parts of having a birthday that I hate and that I would be wise to get as far away from it all as I can!