His Answer is... No

I won't be donating a kidney in June after all.

I finally got to meet with the Transplant Surgeon. He didn't like my weight and the look of my torso. Said he was worried about the surgical process. So he said, No.

Just like that.

No.

I met all the criteria, took all the tests, exceeded all the requirements and still No.

He said they should have sent me to him first. This is very helpful to find out after an entire year of working toward this goal.

All along, I've said to myself that if that I wouldn't force this process. If it was meant to be, the path would open up in front of me. So far, that has been the case - all green lights to go to the next stage.

I don't feel like trying to force myself past this obstacle.

I was shaken as I left the office, crying as I called my friend to tell her. I went to see my Transplant Coordinator but she was with another patient so I left a message with the receptionist. Five days later, I'm still waiting for her call. I certainly don't feel cared for, and I don't feel like my recipient was either. I feel like they let me slip through their fingers by not having clear internal communication about their requirements.

Too bad.

Just Look at the Pendulum and Relax Your Thoughts...

Just paid a visit to my hypnotist. (What?- You don't have a hypnotist?! She's also my yoga teacher.) I'm feeling much calmer now. She's working with me to prepare for the surgery and for all good results during and after. I have no doubt that our work can reduce my amount of pain, the anesthesia needed, and the post-op medications.

I was able to go through all my frustrations with her and now I'm feeling much more confident in my decision. I am healthy and a good donor. So I'll lose weight. Let's just get the decision behind me, the surgery behind me, and move on to the future!

Good God, Just Cut Me Open Already But Stop Torturing Me

You wouldn't think it would be so hard to give away an organ. My kidney donation has been proceeding with tests, tests, and more tests. At each test, there is essentially the same result. Some medical authority, in some office, flipping through blurred-ink papers and then looking up at me to say, Hmmm. This result looks good. You're healthy.

The variation on that is, Hmm. This result looks okay. It's almost not okay, but it's actually fine at this point. You might get really sick in the future.

Followed by the grudging admission that as of today at least, I am actually quite healthy.

Then said medical professional points out my weight and my need to lose weight. Yes, I get it. I need to lose weight. That would be even MORE optimally healthy. Yes, if I don't lose weight, I just MIGHT get ... fill in the blank here... hypertension, heart disease, strokes, diabetes, arthritis, etc. - BUT I do not CURRENTLY have any of those conditions.

So lose weight.

I'm like, Okay, so I'm healthy, so can I just give this kidney to my friend now and move on with my life? Because all of these tests, appointments, and emotional ups and downs are quite distracting from... work, writing, parenting, housekeeping, marriage building, vacationing, etc.

I met with the Nephrologist yesterday to undergo intensive scrutiny. Big surprise, she loved me. And I really liked her. She's from Romania and she taught me to say "Que Fache? - How are you?" (which is more like Portuguese than the French I was expecting.) All of these people are cool on a people-level. She poked me and prodded me and asked lots of questions and looked through sheaves of test results and did complex calculations on a cool medical app on her iPhone and ultimately said... Yep, there are absolutely no counterindications to donating.

She also made sure to tell me at least ten times that I am obese. Yes, my BMI is 34.8, actually down now to below the 35 cutoff. Yes, I get it. I am losing weight. It is a slow process. I already gave up wheat - what more do you people want from me?

So I'm saying - For God's sake, just take the damn kidney and let me heal and move on with my life.

OR just tell me NO. Thanks, but no thanks. Nice of you to try.

And don't make me go to any more appointments!

Incendiary - A Poem

(I Feel) Incendiary

Like he is a

Pile of golden straw,

Dry blowing chaff,

Scratchy kindling

Heaped up and looking

At me through dry, red-rimmed eyes

Asking, "Is that a match in your hand?"

When I have absolutely no idea

Where the matches even are

I lost the matches long ago

Along with so many other things

Lost

Or misplaced in the fog of confusion

That makes up my days

Happy May!

I've been neglecting you lately and with good reason. Every time I turn around, it seems another "unexpected" situation, illness, or social event is cropping up that requires my attention first. And by the time I'm done, there's something else, and I hardly get any work done, never mind this blog!

My morning so far:
Phone call from Bangladeshi friend, waiting for housecleaners, teaching housecleaners in a short, impromptu yoga session because they are both stressed and have high blood pressure, and I have just been studying poses for that, dropping by my therapist's office to pick up paperwork and running into my new French friend who also sees someone in the same office. Crazy. We run into each other all over town.

Now, sitting in cafe, determined to warm up here and then WORK, no matter which friendly person shows up next!

My last few weeks:
yesterday - both girls sick. Had to shop for Mother's Day. Took homemade bouquets to 12 neighbors for May Day (yes, two days late, but it was a busy weekend!)

Sunday, May 2 - Party from noon to 8 pm at Bangladeshi friend's house for her daughter's 11th birthday. Spent most of the day listening to happy, brightly dressed women speaking Bangla of which I understand about 3 words. Lots of fun though. Tiring.

Saturday, May 1 - Church. Rushed to mall to buy present for next day's party. Rushed home to cook eggplant marinara casserole. All night party at French friend's house, where everyone spoke French, some English, some Arabic.

Friday, April 30 - Spent hours in legal project. Also had to pick sick daughter up from school in mid day.

Thursday, April 29 - All day training in how to find funding for non profits.

Wednesday, April 28 - Apprentice at yoga class

Tuesday, April 27 - Yoga class. Got hypnotized to promote weight loss, thus enabling kidney donation to go forward. Ran into French friend at cafe and talked instead of worked. French friend and I decided on whim to join other friend at impressive show by Medium in Hollywood. Rushed to get kids together for French lesson. Rushed to Hollywood and saw show. Got home after midnight.

Monday, April 26 - Both kids sick and very tired. Everyone at home.

Sunday, April 25 - All day at amazing Festival of Books at UCLA. Evening in Santa Monica - pier, promanade, dinner.

Saturday, April 24 - Aladdin performance. Met with friends and invited them back home for drinks. Went to post-play cast party at neighbor's house.

Friday, April 23 - Aladdin performance. Met with friends.

Thursday, April 22 - First Aladdin performance. Grandparents and friends attended.

Wednesday, April 21 - Final rehearsal for Aladdin. Yoga Class with training.

Tuesday, April 20 - Helped housecleaner with personal crisis. Picked B up from school and took her to the orthodontist to get her braces.

Monday, April 19 - Yoga class, working in cafe, and grocery shopping.

Okay, you get the idea. Lots of social life, lots of fun. Very, very busy. I wish I got paid for getting along well with others!!

My last few weeks: