What's Normal Anyway?

I'm sorry.

I've been coping with a lot for a really long time. From the outside, my life always looks admirable and enviable.

And it has its great moments, that's for sure. If I couldn't live in the moments, I don't know how I would keep going.

From the inside, my life is often a tough place to be.

The last two decades have been a lot. Lots of challenge and some loss. Lots to adjust to.  The past five years have been particularly demanding, and I've had to put my attention into a lot of different places to keep things going for the people in my life.

Normally, I try to keep a fairly optimistic outlook. I find it helps to focus on the good, to build from what's positive. I've been blessed with a certain resilient optimism that comes to my aid time and time again.

Lately, however, I've been aware of the dark undercurrents as well. I've had to face the fact that I probably live with a subtype of bipolar disorder. A strong but fast moving variation that means I go up and down fast, and I never know when or for how long. It has colored my whole life.

So, yes, I look like a success because when I'm good, I get things done. I work, I interact, I nurture my friendships and family. For hours on most days, I'm able to function well. For other hours, not so much. That's when people don't hear from me and I vanish into the quiet of my efforts alone. But since it's not for weeks at a time, no one has ever noticed.

Except me. Except now. Except ... maybe everybody, or at least most people, have something going on deep inside. Some challenge, some trauma, some not-quite-neurotypical disorder that is pulling at their days. Maybe the excuses that any of us have for our behavior, our actions, our past, our moods are the excuses that many of us have.

I don't really know. I try not to think too much about stuff these days. I don't write much. I just do what I need to do. I don't talk to friends. I don't go out. I work and I get stuff done. And I live for those great moments.