You know, sometimes I just question it all. All of it.
Why does it seem like so much work?
My life is fragmented like sunlight falling in colored slices through a stained glass window. My latest stress is that I joined this Bunco team and promised to host at my house tonight. Now, I don't mind having people over. That in itself is A LOT of work because all of the cleaning and tidying and upkeep of the house for the whole family falls on me. But at least I get to enjoy the clean home. Also I have to cook dinner for 12 - but that's pretty doable for me. Roast 2 chickens, heat up a ham, slice some veggies and breads and cheeses, cook potatoes and cranberry sauce. Okay - that's just step by step.
No, what's getting to me is that I got so busy over the last two weeks I just had no concentration on Bunco. I knew it was coming on the 14th. I was in the room last month with the whole team when the leader announced it would be on the 14th at my house. But, apparently, only a few of those women actually listened and remembered. So I screwed up by not "inviting" people a few weeks ago. And now only half the team can make it and I'm taking heat from them and I've failed as a host before we even begin.
And, honestly, I'm torn between really caring and not caring at all. Because for all the "Christian fellowship and dedication to our Lord Jesus Christ" that this team is supposed to be about, I'm really not feeling much love from these ladies. I've played with them for four months now, and I'm good at making friends, but I'm still feeling I'm at arms-length. Which makes me ask, Is it Me? Is is Them?
Good God, is it just something about Christians of a certain type????
Underlying all of that is the combination of excitement and stress at taking on a whole new workload and work life. Underlying that is the need to juggle, juggle, juggle to fit that work life in around full time care for two children and all the "homemaking" I do as a matter of course (and also necessity).
Underlying all of that is a frustration that I've had no time for either yoga or writing. I'm so jealous of talented, working writers right now.
And underlying all of that, as always, is that nagging, niggling sense that my life is off balance, off the path and that I am deeply mourning for something I want and miss without being able to define what it is.
It feels better to write, even if I'm not keen on posting raw material. Looking at this, I think I could rework it into something better and stronger. But if I hold it to rework it, I'll never get back to it. It would join that long list of posts waiting to be written, great story moments, poetic lines and other text work to come. Better just to post and at least say something to the world. Why??? I don't know. What does it matter if that chance reader in Singapore or Colorado or New York learns about my life?
Ah, the self. Such a busy place.
10 comments:
I did something crazy a few years ago. After getting laid off, I decided to walk away from the 9-5 and do what I've known I was destined to do: write. I don't make money at it. But I am happier than I've ever been. Deep in my soul I am the happiest. Do we struggle? Yes. But it's about mindset. I always scoffed at (and jealously cursed) those writers who gave it all up to write full time; the ones who went WAY out on a limb and just dedicated it. Put their money where their literary mouths were.
I used to say "But..." followed by something about finances or obligations or blah blah blah
This post (your post) is not about Bunco or the self-righteousness of some. It's all in this quote:
"And underlying all of that, as always, is that nagging, niggling sense that my life is off balance, off the path and that I am deeply mourning for something I want and miss without being able to define what it is."
I think you know what it is you want and what will make you eternally happy. You really should consider just doing it. Seriously.
That's MY rant in response to your rant. And I don't even know you, but I FEEL these words. As all writers do or have at one point. I feel them and know precisely what that imbalance you speak of is all about.
I couldn't agree with Andrew more. You must absolutely keep writing not just grant, but for yourself. And give me a call any time you want to chat. I'm sorry I've been so crazy busy.. it's no excuse really. Friends always come first.
Thank you, Andrew.
You're right- it's not about Bunco.
I appreciate your comment; it bears consideration.
That pull of writing is a strong force.
I'm glad that it's working for you - that you're writing full time - you're very good. (I'll order Surfacing soon and read it to my girls-I bet they'll like it!)
I'll continue to let my life path unwind before my moving feet. For just this moment, I'm tired. I need a nap before I create an evening of hospitality.
Thanks,
Marie
It is the new workloads, changes, massive, massive juggling that keeps us all alive... what fun would be life if all was routine, all was set, and there was no stress ever... the best moments in life are the ones where you triumph over the stress... big or small.. thats what makes us feel victorious, feel like champs, even if it means successfully arranging a small dinner.. :-)
(And thanks for your comments - I'll write .. soon)
Dots
hey girl! Colorado here, no advice just empathy and letting you know I hear you and read you often.
Dear Marie,
When I read your post I thought with a smile: Yes, if anybody can have 12 guests for dinner without a problem it is Marie.
Your post expresses a lot. In my eyes it didn't need improvement. It is clear and honest,authentic. I love it even though I wish you a better situation (not so much stress and more open-minded people in that group).
You are able to make friendships. I like your approach to people. You are open and self-confident.
Don't fall into the perfection trap. I know this trap too well in many parts of my life. I am really glad that I overcame it in regard of my blog. With English as a second language even the grammar cannot be perfect but awkward.
I wish you a relaxed meeting.
Perhaps you can provoke these ladies a bit. Yesterday at the perfect dinner the Frenchman, an artist put the knives into the glasses. The guests had different glasses and so forth. It was all a bit of a mess, but funny.
Be entertained my friend
Ursula
Dear Mich -
Thanks for the support. I'm fine you know, and not feeling the slightest bit neglected. It's nice to think of you working at your edits (or even avoiding working at your edits :) ).
I love that you read this!
Marie
Dear Bridge,
I appreciate the empathy - and the readership!!! It feels good to share, doesn't it?
Namaste,
Marie
Dear Dots -
Thank you!! I am truly enjoying your blog. I think one of the most marvelous aspects of this blogosphere is the way complete strangers from distant geographies can connect and become friends.
Enjoy your own work,
Marie
Dear Ursula -
Your comments were very helpful at calming me down. You're right - it's good even to be a bit provocative for others.
Plus I wasn't giving myself credit for my own competence (in cooking dinner). Things I do well I tend to assume that everybody can do well - your comment helped me be more accurate in my self viewing.
Good practices,
Marie
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