Things I Feel Depressed About Today (That are Fluttering About Inside My Head and Distracting Me from Anything Approaching Concentration on Writing Grant Copy):
1. I'm brilliant at procrastinating my writing, particularly if I would have been paid to do it.
2. I feel guilty for not making more money for the orgs that are hiring me.
3. I read the newspaper - which I do every morning - and which is generally more depressing than rewarding. (Although like a good model of behavioral reinforcement there are just enough engaging and useful tidbits available to make me search through it hopefully. Like yesterday I read an article about how to deduct business expenses from my taxes as a consultant.)
4. In the newspaper I read a series of short reports ("postcards") from people who have lost their homes or almost lost them in this crisis. It's particularly heart-rending to read about families, like the one with two daughters, as I don't want any children forced out of their secure homes. And especially not my own.
5. Which leads me back to thoughts of "Fuck. I am lucky to have a job. Shut the hell up and just write something so my kids will be okay."
6. If I get at all anxious or depressed, my husband starts watching me like I'm about to set the house on fire. So when I'm depressed, it's generally easier to pretend to be cheerful or at least neutral. It actually avoids fights.
7. I can't afford to see my therapist any more. I don't know if I have the energy to find a new one through my health insurance and start the whole process over.
8. A man I trusted almost raped me in February (in my own home, just like the statistics say) and now sometimes I have nightmares or can't sleep.
9. Particularly when I try to write grants for the local rape crisis center, which ironically hired me one week before the assault.
10. I really, really, really miss being a teacher.
11. I'm not losing weight as fast as I would like, even though I am trying hard.
13. I read a totally depressing business article that points out that kidney donors might lose their health insurance or be denied coverage in the future based on this "pre-existing condition." Despite clear evidence that they are actually healthier after the surgery. None of the major insurers would admit that they deny policies to the reporter. But none categorically said that they didn't. Hemming and hawing means, We sure do, but we don't want to admit it in print because we'll look like a bunch of mercenary jerks.
14. Now I don't know if I should donate my kidney or not. And it's not even the surgery/pain/medical part holding me back. It's the stupid uncertainty of it being a bad financial move that might bankrupt me in the future. How is that right???
15. People I trust keep breaking promises to me.
16. People are only as good as they can be, and often that falls short of what I wish they would be. Then I just feel stupid for having overly high expectations.
17. Sometimes I suffer from envy, jealousy, and insecurity so strong I actually want to break things. Or preferably hurt someone. (And I consider myself to be loving and compassionate.)
18. That jealousy must come from feelings of low self-esteem. I am tired of trying to ferret out new little bits about myself and "fix" them so I can be happy.
19. Steve Lopez wrote a great book about mental illness which became the movie The Soloist. Which completely bombed. Now no one will care about mental illness except for those few who are struggling with its explosive effects in their own families. What is even the point of trying to write a book? (But at least Steve Lopez still has a job, and seems to be writing away at his columns.)
20. I read an article about a six year old named Jani (Los Angeles Times) who is unbelievably ill with schizophrenia. How is it that we cannot help people more with their various illnesses? And their families.
21. A financial advice expert suggested that you not spend more than 50% of your income on necessary expenses (housing, utilities, insurance, transportation, food, debts). 20% should go to savings, and 30% can be for "fun." We spend 80% of our income on necessities. I feel like I am failing by not making my share of the income.
22. Even though I actually love doing it, and all evidence points to the contrary, I am always afraid that everything I write is miserably, pathetically generic, unclear, trite and useless. Making myself sit down and write requires an amazing amount of self-discipline. It is like jumping off the emotional cliff into the abyss of fearful, bad feelings. Without a parachute. On a cold foggy day. Blindfolded.
Things I Feel Happy about Today (That Remind Me that My Life is Really Pretty Wonderful and that I Am Hopeful, Resilient, and Perplexingly Blessed):
1. I'm sitting here writing. Right now. And it feels great.
2. I actually have quite a lot of friends. When I feel lonely, it is mainly illusion.
3. My daughters are the most gorgeous, wonderful, amazing beings in the world. I love being near them even when they are driving me crazy. Two nights ago, I laid down with my older daughter to put her to sleep (it was a sleepover and some enforcement was called for at 1:30 am!!!) and I was stroking her head and holding her lovely gold hair in my hand and thinking, I am so incredibly lucky. They are the prize. I would not give all of this up for anything.
4. My husband loves me very much, and I love him. When I remember to be patient, we get along very well.
5. We are so lucky and blessed to have our cozy, lovely home and somehow still have enough money to meet all of our needs and pamper our daughters and have fun.
6. I get paid to sit at home and write. It is a dream job. How did this happen??
7. I love our family walks in the neighborhood in our small town. We know an incredibly high percentage of our neighbors - for blocks around.
8. My daughters' school and educations could not be better. They are excelling in every area. My older daughter just qualified for GATE. I know I shouldn't care but I am SO thrilled. It's external validation.
9. We are having the best summer we have had in years. We had a stunning vacation in San Diego and we're going to a resort in Palm Springs this week. A resort!! (It's cheap because it's like 120 degrees there now.)
10. My younger daughter's eighth birthday lasted for a week. We had a great birthday party, all little girls and giggles and fairies and butterflies. I love throwing parties for my daughters and spoiling them. I feel so lucky to be able to give them so much of my time, plus security, plus education, plus material goods as the icing on the cake.
11. My life could have been totally screwed up by now, but somehow it isn't. I don't understand how I have been so lucky when the path has been so treacherous.
12. I am strong and smart and brave. And clear thinking in a crisis. When my friend tried to rape me, he didn't succeed. I fought him off. I absolutely refused to let it happen and I was the victor.
13. Considering how much trauma I've been through, I am remarkably whole. Damaged, yes, a bit anxious and PTSD. But overall, optimistic and resilient and hopeful and moving forward. Healing myself with time and care and support. And I still love people. It's incredible.
14. I love yoga. It is so special to me. I finished a teaching program that was as hard as graduate school despite all the challenges. As soon as I send in my paperwork, I'm an RYT!!! (registered yoga teacher)
15. Now that my program is done, my weekends are free again. Autumn is going to rock!!
16. Autumn is my very favorite time of year and it is coming soon! (It feels even sooner with school starting on Aug. 4!)
17. If I give my friend a kidney, I can save her life. That simple. Such a wondrous gift - for both of us.
18. I am actually very pretty and healthy despite not liking my weight. There are people in the world with horrible physical problems and I don't have to deal with that.
19. This list could go on and on and on.
6 comments:
wow.
a lot here to digest, and I won't bother commenting on every point, even though I so easily could.
the first list says more than the second, and NOT because it's negative, but because it's (usually) so much more difficult to put down in writing those things that are "bad" or "ugly" or "wrong with our lives."
I don't "like" the first list, I just think it deepens an understanding of you as a person.
BUT, I like the second list because you included it, and this post did not turn into a pity-me missive. (which I am the king of and there's not room for the both of us)
I too suffer from depression, and have a family history of bipolar
I too procrastinate when faced with writing
I too think almost everything I write is for shit (my words, not yours, I know)
I used to watch porn in my previous marriage and boy did it piss her off. Which made me watch it more. (hey, I never said I was perfect...OR mature) But in hindsight, I see that it was masking a HUGE undercurrent of issues we both had with each other that we DIDN'T address and well...I'm in my second marriage for a reason...
Corrine understands my moods, my bouts with depression, my artistic nature (the need to be stroked)
But that's not why I love her or why we fit so well. It works because she does not belittle me, nor does she let me use any of it as a crutch.
I've had my ass kicked before - in the aforementioned marriage, but with Corrine, it's out of an appreciation for my talents and what I must put myself through to achieve success, not as a way to vent her own frustrations.
YOU WERE ALMOST RAPED?!?!?!?!?
By a "friend"???
I hope you cut him.
Thank you.
The friendship I have with you and Corrine is one of the best things to come of this blog.
I know there's a whole dynamic there with my husband that we're still working on. I'm not terribly upset; it's just another thing to keep addressing. I just get discouraged sometimes.
No, I didn't cut him. Yes, I probably should have. I did think about it, but I was able to get out of the house before I had to employ weapons in self-defense. It was really pretty traumatic, in retrospect. At the time, and for a long while after, I was just numb.
I didn't even report it to the police. I did the whole ambivalent, blame myself, question my judgment thing even though I'm informed and know better. AND I WAS WORKING AT THE RAPE CENTER AND THE DIRECTOR WAS OFFERING ME THEIR SERVICES. But, yes, I thought he was a friend, and I trusted him, and the loss of that has been even more painful than any attack.
On the plus side, I survived it and now I'm stronger. And it gave me a great deal of empathy for how traumatic such an event could be, even for a strong, educated, informed woman with lots of available support and resources. So it adds a bit of incentive and even more compassion to my writing.
And, your writing is really, really good.
You're a fantastic writer, Marie, as are you Andrew. Anyone who can talk about Neil Diamond and Woody Allen in the same blog post and make it fascinating has real talent (as does someone who could write, "I am that way in crowds of dissenters. The one who buries his head in a newspaper while my convictions get mugged by the mob.").
Marie, call anytime. And I believe I owe you lunch now that I've returned.
thanks michelle!
Hi. % days have passed since you posted this, and I sincerely hope the energy has shifted. I relate to many things on your list.
Part of the "thing" about being a writer is that you sit and reflect. SOemtimes that reflection brings the realisation that there is a mountain of crap in your room! For my part, I write a blog. Nothing more, but I notice that the sitting and the thinking sometimes brings to the surface slimy things.
That said, you have some tricky nuggets tucked in here. I wish you peace and space to sort these out. I enjoy the writing I read here on your blog.
There is a certain release in putting this all out there, I am sure. I am inclined to bury some of the items and let them rot away. I know your philosophy is leaning toward sunshine and air. Surely the nasty bits will benefit.
I hate the idea of them benefitting from anything you do for them. But then you are improved just by the way you react. So, yay sunshine.
Cutting has its place though.
Cryptonomico
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