Making the Right Decision - For Me

Writing those words yesterday, I already knew what I wanted to do. I could feel my deepest self whispering steadily.

By the time I was in the park, sitting on the cool grass and watching the play of sunshine and shadow across the flowers and trees, I knew my decision.

I will not contact the police. I will move above this and past it, not miring my life in a looping story of pain and victimhood. It is just not in line with my own deepest values.

I value love and compassion. Forgiveness. New starts. Deeper meanings. The rebirth of the best of each of us.

Whether or not David achieves that in his life is irrelevant. If I work against my deepest values, I only harm myself.

I understand that I have indeed experienced a tremendous amount of pain and harm, some from others, some from my own choices. This blog has become my tool to express and explore all the aspects of my self, including the shadow stories that I would perhaps rather avoid. Instead I have been bravely and steadfastly exposing them, excavating them, bringing them into the light and letting myself accept them for the part of me that they are.

They are not the sum of me, and they are not unimportant. They need to take their rightful place in the happy life that I am staking my claim to with each day.

My husband seconded my decision not to pursue legal avenues. This surprised me quite a bit. I know he has seethed with anger over his inability to protect me. But he reminded me that our legal system, as it now stands, is not about fairness, or justice, or even truth. It's about power and who can take control of the story, bending it to their ends.

He's right. If I give them my story, they will take it and use it with complete disregard for my best interests. I've seen that happen to victims and criminals alike. In fact, there's a very fine line between the two in the system, and one will often be treated like the other. Think about it.

Instead, I will retain the only right to tell my own story. I reserve the right to change and grow. I allow myself to be furious. I allow myself to forgive. As I need.

Because that is what feels right to me.