I just had an awkward conversation with my therapist. I'm not seeing him anymore. Not last week, not this week, not for I don't know how long into the future.
I just need some time and space. Ironically, I'm not in a mood to talk about it.
Not at all.
I know that sounds like repression or denial or something vastly unhealthy. But I don't think so. I think I just know myself. And what I need now - more than anything else - is time. Time and space to sort out for myself who I am and where I'm headed. I don't want to be prompted into playing any roles -not the sniveling victim, not the noble survivor, not the wounded child. I just want to sink slowly into myself and settle into a peaceful and loving space.
My therapist sounded a bit panicky on the phone. It's always threatening when it seems like a long term relationship might come to an abrupt end. He's unprepared. He actually pleaded a bit - in a therapist-like way -- pointing out the depth of the connection we've built between us. I feel his pain, and I know that he legitimately cares for my well-being. Oh, the irony.
But I can't bear to hear anyone tell me how to think or feel or act. And if I'm just going to be sitting there telling the story, there's no point. This is a story I know well, and I can tell it to myself for much less fuss and money - and with just about as much result.
If not more.
I just need some time and space. Ironically, I'm not in a mood to talk about it.
Not at all.
I know that sounds like repression or denial or something vastly unhealthy. But I don't think so. I think I just know myself. And what I need now - more than anything else - is time. Time and space to sort out for myself who I am and where I'm headed. I don't want to be prompted into playing any roles -not the sniveling victim, not the noble survivor, not the wounded child. I just want to sink slowly into myself and settle into a peaceful and loving space.
My therapist sounded a bit panicky on the phone. It's always threatening when it seems like a long term relationship might come to an abrupt end. He's unprepared. He actually pleaded a bit - in a therapist-like way -- pointing out the depth of the connection we've built between us. I feel his pain, and I know that he legitimately cares for my well-being. Oh, the irony.
But I can't bear to hear anyone tell me how to think or feel or act. And if I'm just going to be sitting there telling the story, there's no point. This is a story I know well, and I can tell it to myself for much less fuss and money - and with just about as much result.
If not more.
3 comments:
Interesting. I admire your strength and support you in your decisions.
As an aside, I love, love, LOVE the new photos you've got "hangin' up" on your "blog walls". What a beautiful woman you are, what a wonderful smile! :o)
Thanks, Elle!! Exactly what I need to hear right now.
I love our blog-based friendship!!
M
I love the new pictures!!
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