Preparing to Give

My kidney recipient doesn't know this yet, but I am continuing my preparations to donate my kidney to her. When things stalled out this fall, it was understandably hard on her - and me as well.

If I think back to August, September, October, I can barely remember how the depression and anxiety were so strong at times that I felt like I was being lifted away from my self and my life.Overall, my depression was still fairly mild - I guess - although I do have a tendency to be a bit stoic about physical pain and downplay trauma.

This is why I love writing, because I didn't start out to talk about this at all, and look right where my thoughts went. Writing's like this wonderful lantern held up to illuminate our inner thoughts. And this is all connected together. Because a traumatic event triggered me to want to donate my kidney, as a way to focus on the positive physicality of my body. And the depression and grief that came after slowed the process down while I stepped back to re-evaluate my stability and my motivations.

But, now, NOW, I am in a GOOD place. I bear no malice. I learned a lot from the whole process of my life, and I'm very grateful for the person I've become.

That person grows stronger and richer by the day. This year is dedicated to stability and growth and fulfillment. I've stepped up my fitness routines to enable this wonderful donation to take place. Today I've already walked twice and attended back-to-back yoga classes. By losing 30 pounds, and making sure that I am strong and flexible, I will be ready for surgery.

Like I said, I'm not telling K until the time is closer. Maybe when I'm certain that I've lost a minimal amount of weight. It's not fair to her to plunge her into the mountainous territory of hope and fear, joy and disappointment until I am 100% positive. But I'm planning surgery for Summer Solstice or right around there.

My whole family will be on vacation and we won't have to hassle with school schedules or driving much. And I won't need to drive at all for the six weeks of healing, which will end just in time for school to start again. (A trip to France will just have to wait until next year.)

I love my kidneys, don't get me wrong. And it is sobering to think of giving up an integral part of my self. But I don't think I really need two of them. I think I'll hardly notice that one's gone. And I know it will have a wonderful new home, in a person whose life just might be saved by it presence. If things go optimally, that kidney can give K 20 more healthy years. And that's quite a bit, huh?

I continue to realize that anyone who has lived through marital troubles, career loss and reinvention, trauma, and everything else I have been through at this point, really doesn't need to worry about surgery or recovery, or about the long-term implications for insurance and finances. God will continue to bless me as He always has.

What an adventure life is!