Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Ugh. I'm in one of those weird mixed up moods this morning. The anxiety is spinning around inside like Dorothy's tornado; the black storm clouds of Depression are hovering at the edges of my mind as well; a low pressure system is poised to sweep over my entire being.

It's too bad really, becasue I have quite a lot of work to do in the next few days. I managed to beat the deadline on a proposal yesterday, much to the amazement of my friends, and I have SEVEN more that I need to finish and submit between now and Friday. So there is no choice. No matter what my mood, I will need to pull my focus together and produce.

My workload is one reason my blogging has taken a back seat lately. Also I have simply been busy. Summer is an occupied time for our family and between family activities and social events if I do find myself with some computer time, I tend to spend it working.

A big makeover project in my daughter's bedroom took every waking hour for seven days. That was more time than I budgeted for, but it came out lovely, and she is happy. And I am glad to finally have things back in the rooms where they belong.

Yesterday was my younger daughter's BIG birthday party. For the last three days, my time has been all about her. We shopped and planned and made games. We cleaned and decorated. Yesterday we spent all day preparing and then running her party. Really, it was TWO parties. There was one group of kids in the backyard, playing carnival games and eating nachos and cotton candy. Then there were some of my best friends, the parents of those kids, in my dining room. They quite contentedly enjoyed wine and cheese and conversation. The parties would blend together and then split apart again in an easy flow. I'm known in our circle for my fabulous social events, so people were quite happy to stay and stay. The last guests didn't leave until almost eleven pm, and I was exhausted when I fell into bed after midnight.

Which made it hard this morning to wake up to my husband coming back into the bedroom - he ALWAYS wakes up before me and drinks coffee!- and realizing that he was in a bad mood. Turns out that the constant stream of phone calls are just about more than he can stand. He simply isn't ready to deal with conversation or friendship or any kind of contact. And the more he feels pushed, the more he feels upset. Yesterday, he was reminding me that he will not tolerate any more betrayal from me. He is ready to leave if that happens. Fair enough. I appreciate his fears and his position. For my part, I am completely uninterested in betrayal. I am happy here in my life. I am quite happy with him. I'm not looking for any drama, upheaval, or change.

So, the third reason I haven't blogged lately -- I've simply been unsure what to write about. The re-appearance in our lives of D makes me want to be very careful and take things very slowly. My response under stressful situations is to be friendly and kind. As I told my husband this morning, that is the best tool in my toolbox. It is the one that has worked consistently for me in a variety of difficult situations.

But how about distant compassion? A little space, for God's sake!

I appreciate the attempts at reconciliation. I'm even willing to consider that they may be sincere, and not just carefully crafted manipulations intended to entrap me in a compromising situation that can only bring upheaval to my life. But I am simply not ready to talk. My husband is absolutely not ready to talk -- and may never be. And the escalating contacts are offputting and frightening. I need more space to sort through my own feelings and be true to my own best interests. I need time and understanding of my commitment to my husband and to consideration of his feelings first. And I can give myself all of those things; I don't have to ask them from anyone else. This is something I've learned over these last years.

I'm not even sure I want to reconcile. I'm not sure that this friendship can ever bring enough positives into our lives to outweigh its inherent negatives. My husband, of course, would be happy enough to move forward with no contact again, ever. He feels threatened and harrassed and will not tolerate that at all. I'm slower to cut all ties. I've always been a believer in amiability. But it's not amiable to call someone who has specifically asked not to be called. And it's not friendly to put your own needs ahead of your friends'.

This probably isn't my most coherent post ever. But it's mine. I gave up blogging here because I felt uncomfortable and over-exposed. I'm coming back to it because I refuse to give up my voice no matter what the circumstances.

Look, the last few years were hard. They hurt everybody. I made some poor choices and things were difficult; I started making good choices and things got great. I don't want to put myself back into the position of making poor choices. I'm not willing to do that to me, to my family, to my husband, to all my friends who count on me. I'm not willing to do it to my friend. Because that is what loyalty, compassion, and caring look like -- not doing things rashly that may hurt yourself or someone else.

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