Call me but love and I'll be new baptized

This went through my mind over and over yesterday as I stood at the shore with cool water licking around my toes. Although I misremembered it a bit, I had the core idea. That sometimes it is time for a change. That there are opportunities to start again.

I took a lot of stress with me to the beach yesterday. I knew it all week, and all day. Driving in the car, the tension weighed heavy in my shoulders and I kept reminding myself to relax and breathe more deeply.

I approached the ocean in awe. The vast expanse of it, the motion, the colors. I had forgotten just how infinite a space it is, how soothing, how sacred. I stood by the edge and was drawn into the ebb and flow. The water was smooth as a lake, gentle swells lifting and falling like cosmic breathing. I plunged into the salt water, surrounded by the purity of all that salt, carressed by the glass green clarity of the waves. The sun sparkled like gold, mixed into the depths and captured along the sandy bottom. Into the green and gold I went, gasping with cold.

I left all my stress in the ocean. I let go of all my worries, all my fears, the anxieties, the frustrations -- they all floated away. The ocean bobbed my along its surface and washed all the cares from me.

Re Vision

The words are cast
My past is past
It's time to set me free

Once my letters are glimpsed
You'll be fully convinced
To remove all limits from me

Good Morning!

I hope your day is going well so far. Maybe you're well into your morning routines; maybe, like me, it's more of a groggy start to the day. It seems like things have been going well lately, some encouraging developments. If there's one thing I feel the older I get it is a deep admiration and respect for those who persevere. It's not easy to keep going in the face of Life's challenges, yet some people do. I appreciate that. There's a dependability to people who thrive no matter what.

I suppose I'm one of those people, and that makes me recognize that quality in others. Often great success is simply a refusal to give up. The last time I talked to my sad friend she was explaining how she truly believed that she would never have the chance to date anyone again. That she would NEVER meet a good man. And I couldn't help it -- I laughed outright. Her beliefs are so patently ridiculous. It is the opposite of what I'm talking about here. I actually told her, "You are being ridiculous!" She just wants to feel sorry for herself, and have some company at her pity party. But this woman is a size 0, funny, smart, has a career, two masters degrees, is a ton of fun -- there's no way she's going to be "alone forever".

So here's to determination and big results from taking very small steps! Here's to having an enduring sense of hope. Here's to self-worth. And to friendships in the meantime.

Haiku

Outside the green leaves

Inside the moon

Light from within

Update

I've been busy lately with a lot of this and that. Nothing terribly substantial, and I haven't been very organized about anything lately either. That means I've hardly spent any time working, and even less time on this blog.

I'm sorry about that. I love this blog and having the space to write and express myself when I need to. It's not fair to completely neglect it, just because I have longer and longer stretches of pure okayness.

I just got off the phone with my good friend. It was an hours-long unsettling conversation, with large patches of it consisting of me just listening sympathetically while she sobbed, just so she would know that she wasn't alone in her misery. She's been bouncing two boyfriends around for over a year, and one of them finally broke up with her, quickly and definatively. And she is floored.

In all her 46 years, and two divorces, she has never before experienced anyone being so done being in a relationship with her that he won't talk to her anymore. But this guy has cut everything -- phone, email, text, facebook --leaving her profoundly alone in a way she has never felt. She doesn't understand - yet - that sometimes someone who still loves you might nonetheless cut you off from their life out of self-protection and a sincere desire for something better. She is used to being able to control her situation, and she can't control this one, and it is devastating her. She kept saying, "But how will he know I've changed if he won't talk to me?!" And I gently tried to tell her that maybe he won't, maybe he will never know that she did change. That maybe he will move on so completely that he will never care again.

I'm sure this guy doesn't feel good about cutting her out. I'm sure that he is as sad as she is. If anything, he loved her more, and more quickly, than she ever fell for him. But I respect his reasons for giving himself some space. I tried to tell her that she really only has two good choices -- 1) respect his need for time and space, work on changing herself, and hope that someday he might be willing to talk it all over with her again; or 2) respect his need for time and space, let him go, and move forward herself. Either way they look about the same. Either way, she cannot control what he does now or in the future. All she can do is make choices about how she will feel, whether she will learn or not, and what she will do in the future.

Because my husband and I made friends with her ex, now she is begging me to call him for her. She wants me to plead her case, to be her go-between. I keep lovingly refusing. He wants a better future, not harrassment, and I don't want to make him feel any worse than he already does. I can vividly imagine how hard it is for him right now too.

As for my friend, the most I can do is listen. I offer some advice and opinions; I try to encourage her that she can make it through. I know that Life is giving her the lessons that she needs to learn, but at the same time, it's hard to see her go through it. Feeling completely ignored is a nightmare for her, and I am very sensitive to just how terrible, and how powerless, that makes her feel. I'm sorry for anyone who ever felt as bad as she feels now, and I'm sorry that sometimes this is how Life plays out. The best thing I can do right now is take her calls so that she knows that she has a true friend, and is not alone. Beause no one should have to go through the depths of these emotions without some kind of support.

Solstice yesterday. Long day, short night.

Now the days tip back towards balance.

Car still not working. Daily plans still being disrupted by absence of car. Very frustrating and discouraging.

Was supposed to go to San Diego and visit friend. Instead sitting at kitchen table and trying to make myself be responsible and work. Want to throw hands up and take nap instead. But that would be lazy...

And I'd still have to work later...

Mechanics

I've spent most of this week dedicated to fixing cars. It's like the fifth time in a month that we've had work done. Picked my car up Monday after having a/c redone and seatbelt fixed and took it straight to transmission shop. Treated it to a nice rebuild. Bye bye money earned over last few months! Then picked it up yesterday and straight back to mechanic because a/c STILL does NOT work. This is the third time!

I've spent all morning just sitting here and waiting for it to be fixed. Just called and found out it won't be done until this afternoon or Monday. So now I have to get a ride home as our other car is NOT working EITHER. Arggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!

I love my car and driving is a great privilege. I'll be happy when they are both fixed properly. I could complain more self-righteously if not for the fact that actually sitting in this cafe is giving me a good amount of quiet time, with excellent wifi, in which to work. And I had hours of stuff to do anyway. So really no point in complaining.

Have I mentioned how very, very much I love my flexible, portable, interesting job?

Up to Date

Well...

I haven't been a very dedicated blogger lately.

I don't know what it is. Maybe the new format just isn't as appealing to me. Maybe it's well-earned fatigue from juggling a big workload. Somehow, I just lack the intention and the motivation to write anything good.

Maybe I was simply in a bit of a rest phase. The big fundraiser is over. Huge sigh of relief. It did indeed raise funds. Not a terribly huge amount, but certainly sufficient to be worth its time. More important, from my point of view, it was smooth and organized and lacking in terrible disasters. As the planning consultant, that's what I got paid to make sure of.

While I enjoyed the months of work that led up to the big day, I found the time immediately before, during and after the fundraiser exhausting. It was almost too much responsibility all on me. Since this nonprofit continues to fire/lay off all its most capable staff, and to drive away donors and volunteers, I wound up being accountable for more details than ever before. As I said, it came off well, but I was quite, quite done with it by the time we were through!

Losing all those job-related duties leaves me with a hole in my work schedule. So far, that's okay. The gap coincides perfectly with the beginning of summer vacation, and gives me a bit more time to spend with my family. I certainly haven't felt a lull in the last week; quite the opposite in fact as I strive to catch up on my assignments for my other clients that got pushed aside. After I finish this, I hope to sit here for the next four hours or so and knock out four more (simple) proposals.

I can use the extra time this summer for many good ends. I'll look for new clients of course, always fun and interesting with new possibilities. I have many projects I want to accomplish around the house - some clean ups and some organizational/intellectual. Our family will spend tons of time together. We want to be low key. Not too much fun, not too much spending. Some tasks, some local amusements, some day trips to Los Angeles, Hollywood, Pasadena, Palm Springs, San Diego - really the list of options is long!

I hope to have time for some personal goals. More yoga is definitely in my plans. I rarely make time to get to classes now, and sometimes when I teach, I am still overcome with waves of grief that my beloved studio no longer exists. I miss practicing there with a physical yearning.

I also will turn back to my own writing. Of all the types of writing possible, the one that interests me most right now is writing for children. If I could pick anything to have published, I would choose to be a children's author. There is to me something magical about the simplicity and possibility of stories for the young. They seem to live and continue in a way that most novels and nonfiction do not. To that end, I purchased several helpful guides to children's writing and publishing. I'll study and write and see where I can get. I have the opportunity to take another online class starting next week. Haven't decided yet if I will or not. I like the structure and LOVE the teacher -- and I know he would let me focus on children's stories regardless of the official assignments -- but I don't know if I want to commit to the weekly deadline/writing time. (Plus the cost). I might prefer to keep it looser and work to my own schedule. We'll see.

So, I made myself a snack just now, a late lunch to nibble while I work. Reaching into the cupboard, I thought, Ah, there's my work wineglass. Then I thought, Really?! Did you really just think THAT? The summer may devolve if I'm not careful. :)

Aftermath

Last few days a blur of busy. Shifting right from end of huge job into more writing which has piled up in my distraction.

I'll try to think of something creative or interesting, not just work blahblah, to write about soon.

Going away on our first summer vacation. Maybe a bit of rest and sun will help me to say more.