Tuesday, June 26, 2012


I've been busy lately with a lot of this and that. Nothing terribly substantial, and I haven't been very organized about anything lately either. That means I've hardly spent any time working, and even less time on this blog.

I'm sorry about that. I love this blog and having the space to write and express myself when I need to. It's not fair to completely neglect it, just because I have longer and longer stretches of pure okayness.

I just got off the phone with my good friend. It was an hours-long unsettling conversation, with large patches of it consisting of me just listening sympathetically while she sobbed, just so she would know that she wasn't alone in her misery. She's been bouncing two boyfriends around for over a year, and one of them finally broke up with her, quickly and definatively. And she is floored.

In all her 46 years, and two divorces, she has never before experienced anyone being so done being in a relationship with her that he won't talk to her anymore. But this guy has cut everything -- phone, email, text, facebook --leaving her profoundly alone in a way she has never felt. She doesn't understand - yet - that sometimes someone who still loves you might nonetheless cut you off from their life out of self-protection and a sincere desire for something better. She is used to being able to control her situation, and she can't control this one, and it is devastating her. She kept saying, "But how will he know I've changed if he won't talk to me?!" And I gently tried to tell her that maybe he won't, maybe he will never know that she did change. That maybe he will move on so completely that he will never care again.

I'm sure this guy doesn't feel good about cutting her out. I'm sure that he is as sad as she is. If anything, he loved her more, and more quickly, than she ever fell for him. But I respect his reasons for giving himself some space. I tried to tell her that she really only has two good choices -- 1) respect his need for time and space, work on changing herself, and hope that someday he might be willing to talk it all over with her again; or 2) respect his need for time and space, let him go, and move forward herself. Either way they look about the same. Either way, she cannot control what he does now or in the future. All she can do is make choices about how she will feel, whether she will learn or not, and what she will do in the future.

Because my husband and I made friends with her ex, now she is begging me to call him for her. She wants me to plead her case, to be her go-between. I keep lovingly refusing. He wants a better future, not harrassment, and I don't want to make him feel any worse than he already does. I can vividly imagine how hard it is for him right now too.

As for my friend, the most I can do is listen. I offer some advice and opinions; I try to encourage her that she can make it through. I know that Life is giving her the lessons that she needs to learn, but at the same time, it's hard to see her go through it. Feeling completely ignored is a nightmare for her, and I am very sensitive to just how terrible, and how powerless, that makes her feel. I'm sorry for anyone who ever felt as bad as she feels now, and I'm sorry that sometimes this is how Life plays out. The best thing I can do right now is take her calls so that she knows that she has a true friend, and is not alone. Beause no one should have to go through the depths of these emotions without some kind of support.

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