Locked Out

(Written in January 2008)

This weekend I was planning to attend a workshop taught by my yoga teacher. The topic: Finding Out What You Really, Really Want for the New Year. It promised to be a soul-searching session of self-discovery and deep reflection where we would set intentions to achieve desired goals.

Yep, I was planning to attend. I was planning it all the way through reserving a spot, paying in advance, and waking up early on Saturday morning. Even though I had developed one of those heavy, congestion-rich colds the day before, I dragged my tired, sluggish body out of bed, dressed, and drove to the yoga studio.

To find the door – gasp – locked!

I was six minutes late. I peered inside at the empty front room; I tried the knob again. I was locked out.

Locked out of finding out what it is that I really want to do. This year. And in my life.

I tried knocking – no response. I tried calling the studio phone as I peeked through the plate glass window. The ringer must have been silenced.

I had to face the fact that I just wasn’t getting in. I stood there next to the jaunty red door, lost and forlorn on the cold, grey sidewalk and almost cried. I had been so excited. I had so eagerly hoped for my true self to be revealed under the clever guidance of my teacher. Now I was just on my own.

The thought crossed my mind that perhaps I was supposed to figure out by myself what it is that I want.

Or perhaps I am simply not yet ready to know.

I took a deep cleansing breath and weighed my options. The increasing morning sunlight warmed and comforted me. Returning to my car, I decided to use my unexpected free time to explore a meditation labyrinth at a nearby church. A big fan of a different labyrinth, I’d recently heard of this one and wanted to compare them. I found it smaller but charming. The rough stone circle nestled peacefully into a well tended garden.

I entered with quiet breath, my hands placed reverently in Namaste. Picking my way carefully along the uneven slate path, I enjoyed the brilliant green of the moss borders, the fresh kiss of the breeze. Tiny birds like clockwork toys flitted about in the low-hanging trees.

On reaching the center, I raised my face to the golden light and did round after round of Sun Salutation. Peace and calm settled over me as I moved with breath. No rushing, nowhere else I had to be. Flush with calm gratitude, I uncurled my way out of the maze.

I still don’t know what I want out of my life. But at least I wrote this.