Moving Forward

I've been in a bit of a snit lately. (Okay, that's a masterpiece of understatement. I've been struggling with full-blown depression, losing about every other day to either hiding in bed or wishing I was hiding in bed.) But I just can't keep it up any longer. There is just too much good and interesting stuff going on in the world for me to keep wasting my time on bad energy.

The more I look at it, the more I come to terms with the fact that there are some people you just can't count on. They may sound like friends; they may promise to care about you. But care is either there - evident in your life - or it's not. You can't do much to make somebody live up to their promises.

Ideally, you accept people for what they do offer, appreciate that, and distinguish between those worth a big investment of time and energy, and those not. And - this is the hard part for me- maybe some people you just write off as being bad people. Maybe not everybody is caring and redeemable. Maybe you just go, Huh. Sucks.

And then you stay away.

Because the world is FULL of good and loving people to spend your time with. Anybody who truly is a friend will seek you, support you, share their life with you, be warm and caring when you have a chance to talk. That's what I do with my friends. It seems to be a good standard to use.

Because of my past experiences with rejection, I have a very hard time accepting that someone would not want to be my friend. I can find myself in that monkey-mind place, whirling around in the desperation of trying to be better, friendlier, more supportive. Oh, why won't they like me? What can I do?

But, you know what? Maybe I don't really care that much. If I have to put in so much effort, maybe I should just stop. Maybe, instead of always trying to be a big person and come from a compassionate mind, I could just stay pissed off, hurt, angry, vengeful and snarky. Maybe I'm not the Buddha, and I don't have to become him right this moment today.

Then, maybe, just maybe, I can spend my energy enjoying the fabulous people I do love, focusing on the projects that make the world happier, and letting my anger be the rightful expression of emotion it should be, instead of bottling it within.

Because anyone who wouldn't realize how very worth the effort my friendship can be doesn't really understand what they're missing out on, and I'm better off without people around me who can't exhibit understanding.