Conflict

My husband and I have another one of our "fights" this morning. I don't know if you can call them fights exactly. They don't have the energy of angry outbursts and yelling. Maybe they are discussions, or disagreements? Maybe they are simply gaps between us, divides forced open by our disappointment, anger and resentment toward each other.

More and more, I am teaching myself to just breathe and step back from the conflict. To try to be loving and compassionate and keep my heart open to his needs and his pain. Otherwise, we are just focused on our own selves, each locked in a battle to get our own needs met. We both lose.

His last words to me were "You're not sorry enough" when I tried for the countless time to apologize for my mistakes in our marriage. I really don't know where to go with that. He's judging my remorse and rejecting my remorse and indicting me all at once. I understand why he is so protective of himself; I understand that my actions helped to put him in the place he's in today. I just think that there's not much I can do to move him from that walled off place. He has to move himself.

Until then, I wait. I breathe. I focus on all the good parts and count my blessings.

I often think that if I left my husband the loneliness and terror would be unbearable. But, honestly, I am lonely already, every single day. Nothing is lonelier than loving someone who is afraid to love you back, and offering yourself up to someone who sometimes rejects you.

I am already raw today, lonely and sad at the loss of my yoga sangha, an amazing group of people that I fit into. I wish my husband could give me and himself a break, and allow us to comfort each other.