Sunday, March 18, 2012

All Mixed Up

Ugh. I've been in a weird, timeless slump lately.

Everything in my normal routine has been thrown off just a bit. Some things this last week have been great, like my husband had vacation and we got to spend a lot of extra time together. It was very cozy and romantic and companionable. But it also meant that I didn't get much solitary work time during the week.

But then I did wind up doing a lot of work. Hours and hours on Wednesday and Thursday when I had a huge client meeting and tons of follow-up writing. And since then I haven't been able to pull myself together and do much at all. So now I'm sitting here and trying to get my brain primed to write early tomorrow morning, because two proposals are due by then.

This weekend has been fairly nice actually. I've consciously tried not to do much, just to take it easy. We had a huge storm yesterday and today, and I've been unusually content to just stay home and stay calm. I guess it would have been a good start to vacation. But I'm just sad and dazed.

On Thursday evening, we lost one of our little guinea pigs. I went to clean out their cage and Ginger looked terrible. She was thin and shivering and breathing hard. It was incredibly shocking. We'd had a busy week, so hadn't spent that much time with them, but I do feed them every day, usually a few times. And they run around and chirp.

It just ate me up to think that she had somehow gotten so sick and I hadn't known right away. We called up an emergency vet. But in the time it took to throw some jeans on and grab my keys, she stopped breathing. Just like that.

It freaked me out. So sudden. But so definite.

One moment there is life and the next moment just the shell with all the energy gone. I know death is inevitable. I know it.

But I hated it. It made me question every iota of comfort and security I feel I have. It was a small loss, but it made me aware of how quickly loss can come.

The main thought I have now is this. I know we all have to die, but please, let's try to make it not happen for a long, long time. I don't think I'm up to any more loss.

As for Ginger, I miss her greatly. I didn't realize how much a part of my day she and Nutmeg are. I watch them run when I write. I talk to them all the time; they squeak at me whenever I go to get something out of the refrigerator. Now Nutmeg is all alone. Soon we'll have to get her a new friend. Guinea pigs are not meant to live alone. Like people, they are social animals who need to chat and interact. But for now, it's just a sad loss.

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