So now I know.
Early this morning, while the energy flows were crackling, I was having nightmares. Horrible, anxiety-producing nightmares about the demon that I most fear. I fear her because she seems innocuous. She seems normal and like she should be a reasonable, likable person. Indeed, in my dreams, I make her nicer, softer, prettier than she is in real life. But still she longs to destroy me. Her desire is my devastation.
When I wake, I am trembling with anxiety and longing to be comforted. I try to calm myself with that soothing self-talk we adults can do so well. But in some ways leaving my troubled dreams behind is no comfort. I am in the real world, and the nightmare still goes on...
Remember Ghostwalk - those Ballet performances we attended on Friday? I should know better than to expose myself to that. It's not so much the performances, or a real fear of the supernatural. I'm haunted more by a sense of energy shifting in a way that is unpredictable, uncontrolled, and possibly dangerous. Last night I was too frightened to walk through the dark hall and check my sleeping children. And I always check them during the night, have since they were babies. Good Lord, woman, where's your Faith?
Faith is the only thing that saves me. But today, I am scared and feeling so alone...
Now I know.
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