As always, giving the difficult feelings permission to be has helped them to abate. After a busy, but good, day yesterday, I awoke this morning to a simpler day, and finally, less of a sense of oppression and dread. It's the first morning in more than nine days where I didn't have somewhere to get to, where I wasn't committed to several tasks, and just the having the space of a few hours to be calm helped to lighten my heart. It's very unusual for me to feel down for a long stretch at a time; usually there's a little spark of hope, of lightheartedness that kicks in, and warms me up. The pilot light of resilence clicking back on and building up a little flame. Usually, I find some humor in the day, and something to enjoy, and then I'm fine. So it worried me a lot lately that while I wasn't extremely low, I was so flat for so long.
But now... now, today, I do feel much better. I have some clearly productive things to do, and that always cheers me. I've registered for an intensive nonprofit conference that will take all day tomorrow. While I know it will be tiring, I also expect to be inspired by spending hours in trainings with hundreds of people in the same field.
Also, just this morning I was thinking about my writing teacher and missing his critique voice. Then I got the email that two new writing courses are starting in a few weeks. Even though money and time are tight, I think I'll sign up for both. It's always true for me that I produce more writing if I am busier and have more to do, rather than the reverse.
And, I got a bit of cheerful news that has helped me to feel less anxious. It does seem to be okay to believe that overall things are going to be okay. And that's what I want to hold on to.