Tuesday, May 15, 2012


I'm in an itchy, twitchy mood.

Part of it is literally too much sitting still. My car was getting worked on today, so I was stuck sitting and working for a longer period than I usually choose. It was a good work day though; I got a lot done and almost made enough money to keep pace with the amount my car repairs required.

The cafe was pleasant and amusing. Now that they finally have their wifi up and running, I can go back and work there sometimes. It's just a hassle to work in places without internet access. I always need to look something up or check an email, it seems.

Partially, I'm restless because I feel like I have much more to do than time to do it in. Which isn't all bad. It's nice to be so busy.

I'm a bit bummed out about the car bill. Tomorrow I need to buy four new tires, and any day now, an entirely new transmission. Plus a few other large expenses have cropped up unexpectedly this month. I am trying so hard to have an actual savings account. I don't want to spend everything we earn!

Still, though, I can't complain about money and I know it. I've known for a long, long time that I am a terrible poor person. Seriously, I suck at being poor. I am no good at cutting back. I can't stick with a budget. I am not good at frugally and wisely parsing out my money. Somehow I am just way better at bringing money into my life. I just have that openness to material goods that attract them to me. Instead of cutting back, I just trust that more money will show up before I need it.

I know that that sounds like a crazy philosophy. No financial planner would ever consider that sound advice. And yet... the fact is that it works for me. And it keeps working. Over and over, money is there when I need it. For decades now, and through some really rough situations. So I've sort of learned to just accept that that's how it works best for me. Right now I'm looking for the new avenue to income that should be showing up next month as my fundraiser position winds down.

And, if anyone has actually read this far, can I just apologize for this post? This is SO not the kind of thing I want to be writing. This is pure mood relief here, pure processing of the last few days so that I can re-focus on my work and life tasks. But it's dull writing, and I know it. Sorry. I guess I could be more terse, or more focused, and cultivate an air of mystery. I could make my writing more scarce, and thus more valuable. But, like the money thing, I'm just not good at that. I am a creature of abundance and giving, of ebb and flow. I don't do well with holding back. Sigh. At least, I know myself, I suppose.

And I don't feel like I have the spare time to do anything much with creativity. Sure, with just a bit more effort, I could be crafting these thoughts into poems and stories. But this seems good enough. It gets me there. Whereever there is.

Which is often here. At least for the few moments that I take to write.

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