Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Routine as a Melt Down Cure

I was very close to having a mini-meltdown yesterday and I knew it.

I knew it in the morning when I noticed how tired and drained I felt. I had spent almost six hours of Monday in conversation with various friends and family members, just a bit too much listening and talking for my energy level at the time. Yesterday, I came home from dropping off the girls already feeling rushed because it was an abbreviated minimum day and because I still had so many time-sensitive things to accomplish on my to-do list of life tasks. I knew I didn't have much time to relax and get things done. So my plan was to sit in absolute silence and concentrate.

And then my friend called. And I could tell it was urgent. And about me. And my anxiety level went through the roof.

As I've feared all along, her new boyfriend objects to my past. I've waited for a whole year as they've dated and gotten closer and more solid, waiting for a good time that has never come to broach the subject with him. At first, there was no point bringing it up because I didn't know if they'd last. Now, I hope they'll last because he seems like a great guy (except for his job) and the time had come. So I asked her to tell him. I'm not sure she picked a very good moment, and he didn't take this unexpected news well. Sigh.

So she felt bad, and I felt terrible. It pulls up all these emotions in me of fear, distrust, anxiety, terror, hopelessness, defensiveness and, of course, memories as well. The good part is that my reaction is predictable and I know how to simply ride it out by letting my emotions be what they are, and accepting them, while also nurturing myself. The uncertain part is how my relationship with her boyfriend - and thus with my good friend - will move forward from here. He could simply ignore it all and we drop it; he could process it and become closer to me; he could cut contact -- those have all happened to me before. I've worried all along that if he pulls away from me, it will be hard for her to be in the middle. But it had to happen sometime, so I guess I'm just as glad to get it done and find out where we are.

Eck. Exhausting.

So I spent the rest of the day going through the motions of routine. And, now, today's a new day. I slept well; it's raining and gorgeous; and I am enjoying the soothing silence of my own calmer thoughts.

It is what it is.

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