I've been reconnecting with my therapist. I did a couple of seesions with him so he can re-evalute my progress and write a status report about me.
Man, is that fun?!
I'm also going to see him in a week or so for a huge comprehensive examanation that will "provide a diagnosis". Hopefully of nothing. I used to present with depression/anxiety, but that's under control for a long while so I don't think it will show up beyond the ordinary. I don't know if the test will be able to show "nothing" though so there will probably be some label. As long as it's benign, I don't care. Just one more step along the path.
It's been really nice to have a good excuse to see T again. Therapy is expensive in both time and money (my insurance doesn't cover it) so it's not something I feel the need to indulge in for years now. But T was important to me a few years ago. He did a good job and helped me grow a lot. So much that I don't feel the need for him. Ah, irony.
Those therapists like to talk about tricky stuff don't they? He didn't hold back in going right to the most painful part of my life and asking me to reflect on it now. He admitted that he was poking at me on purpose. I will say that he seemed pleased and surprised by how much perspective I've gotten. But for me, it really has become the distant past that doesn't have very much to do with the person I am today.
I mean, obviously the experiences of my past are incorporated within me, and have formed the person I am today, so I still have part of that person inside me. But I am very different than she was, and would not make the same choices, even in the same situations.
At one point we had a funny exchange. He thought I was in denial in the past about my past; I never thought I was in that much denial. I said, Hmm, maybe I'm in denial about having been in denial. Endlessly recursive.
Then he said, Why don't we discuss this more next week? (No, I'm just joking...)
He did help me to see that probably no one cares much about my life history besides me. They are probably all thinking about other things. I knew that, but it's still good to remind my ego that I don't matter all that much. Other people have other things to think about besides me!