Friday, January 25, 2013

A Grey Friday Morning While My Dog Whines to Come Inside

I'm in an off mood today.

But I can't afford to just give in to it.

For one thing, there's a steady drizzle from a grey sky. Normally, I'd love that, but I have to drive 60 miles today and I'm hoping the freeways won't be a slog. Also, both were late for school due to the full schedule of the week and the weather. In fact, B is still sleeping which means I have to take her late, with an excuse, and so my mom drop-off duties aren't really done yet. So I don't feel clear to move on to work.

I'm heading out to the nonprofit for probably the last time today. There's a potluck to commemorate its upcoming closure. I don't even know if I'll know any of the people who attend, but I feel I have to go say goodbye. So that promises to be a few hours of being forced to re-visit the past. Driving the route, remembering the memories. All that jazz.

I'm not that sad. My sadness has occured over time and bit by bit, so it's pretty worn through. This feels like something inevitable that calls to be accepted. But it certainly isn't vitalizing either, so I'm not exactly bubbling over with joy and enthusiasm just this minute.

Plus I still have so much work to do that I just haven't been able to get through. I spent almost three hours yesterday preparing and eating dinner with my parents, and then another three hours helping my older one through her homework. It never stops, the load of schoolwork for her to get through. I hope she, and I, will make it through high school okay. Meanwhile, my own professional responsibilities pile up. I really am stuck between trying to make the money we need to survive, and providing the physical support my family needs day-to-day. I can't be in two places at once, even as I did sit at the table last night, laptop in front of me, searching funders, while trying to chat with my parents and answer J's questions. Splitting my attention like that is tiring too.

I wanted to get to 20 hours this week. I think I have 11 more to do. That means working through the weekend I guess.

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